Chapter five: The lost memories
“I don’t know, Kai, I don’t think this is going to work.”
I sighed. We had gone over this at least a dozen times over the past two days, ever since I came up with the idea, and Rei’s constant doubts were starting to get on my nerves. “Maybe it will, maybe it won’t. But it can’t hurt, right? You want your memories back, and well, they have to be in there somewhere. I could try beating them out of you, but I’m fairly sure that counts as child abuse.”
“I’m not a child!”
“Not the point, Rei.” I sighed again, wishing that I could get the boy to just relax and go with the flow here. Usually he was pretty good at that, but not this time. He actually looked scared, and took my hand as we walked down the narrow alleyways, winding our way through Ixero to find the right building. I felt like pulling my hand away, but because he was so anxious, I let him hold it.
“I don’t like doctors,” he whispered.
“How can you know that,” I replied. “You don’t have any memories; you can’t know whether you’re really afraid of doctors. Maybe you actually love doctors and like to sit in their offices all day long.”
Rei pouted and kicked my leg. “Don’t be mean. I know what I’m afraid of, and I’m afraid of doctors.”
“Well, this isn’t a real doctor, so just take it easy. Besides, he’s not going to hurt you, and I’ll be there the entire time.”
“Promise?”
“I promise.” I smiled to the boy and ruffled his hair, not letting go of his hand even as we reached the right building. Twelfth Street, fourth house, second floor. I knocked on the door and waited for the “come in” before entering, almost dragging Rei with me.
He really, really didn’t want to do this.
The doctor looked them over when they entered, a small smile on his face. Granted, I didn’t have much faith that this would work either, but I figured that it was worth a chance. Rei had claimed over and over again that he didn’t believe in being hypnotized, so there was no point in this, really. I was inclined to agree, especially when I saw the guy’s “office”, which was filled with all kinds of esoteric stuff. It looked more like we had stepped into a psychic’s tent at a circus than an actual licensed doctor’s office.
“Welcome,” he said, getting up and shaking both mine and Rei’s hand, even if Rei looked like he wanted to run out the door. I nudged him, quietly telling him to behave.
“I’m Dhiman Devarsi, and this is really very simple,” the doctor explained. “All you have to do, Rei, is to lie down, relax, and listen to my voice. Nothing more, nothing less. Maybe you have to focus a little every now and then, but apart from that all you have to do is to relax. Is that okay with you?”
Rei hesitated, but nodded eventually. He had agreed to this, after all. Dr. Devarsi made Rei lie down on a couch, and turned the lights down almost all the way, as well as lighting a couple of candles and placing them on the table next to the couch. I very nearly laughed, because I was starting to have less and less faith in this whole deal, but as the doctor – how the fuck this guy could call himself a doctor was a mystery to me – glanced over at me and pointed to a chair, I shrugged and sat down. We were here already, after all, no point in storming out again before giving it a chance.
Rei looked uncomfortable, and he shifted around in the couch for a while before being satisfied. Doctor Devarsi started out by telling him to focus on a spot on the ceiling, and then to just listen to his voice. I focused my eyes on Rei’s face and listened as well, seeing as there wasn’t much else to do, and it was a testimony to how good the doctor was that I started feeling drowsy, heavy and content as I listened to his voice. He was telling Rei to relax, to just focus and relax his body, part by part, and yet, even if it was Rei he was talking to, I was doing the same thing.
I pulled myself out of it by sitting up straighter, looking around the office, blocking out Doctor Devarsi’s voice so that I would be able to actually witness Rei’s reactions instead of digging up old memories of my own; that would just have gotten messy.
Finally the doctor was done, and he settled back, watching Rei with great interest. By now the boy had closed his eyes, and I wondered if he had fallen asleep. The doctor didn’t seem to think so, though. “I want you to answer all my questions honestly, and without doubt,” he said, voice still calm even if I could detect tension in the way he was sitting. “There is nothing to be afraid of, nothing will happen to you. All you need to do is to answer the questions. I’ll start easy; how old are you right now?”
Rei hesitated, brows furrowing slightly. “I’m twelve, but… I’m not twelve.”
“What do you mean?”
“My body is twelve, but I’m older. I don’t know what it means; I just know it’s the truth.”
Doctor Devarsi looked vaguely confused, but he didn’t let the answer confuse him for too long. “And what is your name?”
“Rei.”
“Is that your real name?”
“No, I… I’ve forgotten my real name. I don’t know what it is. I want to know what it is,” Rei replied, almost sounding impatient. It made me wonder if the hypnotizing had worked even remotely.
“Okay, that’s good,” the doctor said, which almost convinced me that he was a quack. “Now we’re going to try an experiment. You can still relax, there’s nothing to fear. I want you to go back in time. It’s your birthday, and you’re five years old. What is happening? Who is with you?”
Rei’s expression changed almost instantly, becoming more peaceful, happier. Even if I had seen him both smile and laugh in the time we had spent together, I hadn’t seen this kind of innocent happiness on his face before now. He laughed, sounding younger somehow. “I’m with my mommy and daddy, and the rest of my family. Lots of my friends too. I’m having a birthday party with a big cake. Chocolate. I like chocolate cake.”
“That’s good. What’s your name?”
There was a small hesitation, but then Rei answered. “My name is Raphael Gramont. My daddy named me that. It was his older brother’s name, his brother died when they were little.”
I took a deep breath, finally convinced that Doctor Devarsi actually knew what he was doing. This was more than I had gotten out of Rei since we met. Thought I had to admit that thinking of him as Raphael would be next to impossible; he’d probably always be Rei to me.
“Good. Now, you’re ten years old. It’s still your birthday. What’s happening this time?” the doctor asked, his voice trembling slightly. He was probably just as tense as me, even if he hadn’t known Rei as long as I had.
Rei bit his lip slightly, his expression sad this time instead of the joyful, innocent happiness he had expressed when he remembered his fifth birthday. “No one remembers that it’s my birthday. I’m not happy, ‘cause my dad hasn’t even remembered it. He’s angry again, angry at me. He’s always angry now.”
“Why is he angry?”
“Because my mom died. She died over a year ago, but he’s still mad about it. He blames me, I know it. I know he does, but it wasn’t my fault, I swear, I didn’t do anything wrong,” Rei said, his voice rising at the end, and there were tears in his eyes.
Doctor Devarsi moved forwards, took one of Rei’s hand in his. “Hush, don’t be scared, nobody can hurt you. You’re in a safe place. Just relax, and remember. That’s all. Nobody is mad at you.” Rei relaxed slightly, though he sniffles quietly, still clearly upset. “What happened to your mother? How did she die?”
The question was asked carefully, almost gently, but Rei still shook his head. “No. I don’t want to tell you. I don’t want to, don’t make me, it wasn’t my fault. I didn’t do it, please, don’t make me lie and say I did it.”
“Okay, okay, that’s fine. I won’t make you say anything more about your mother,” Doctor Devarsi said and looked at me, shaking his head. Apparently it would be impossible to push the boy further on that point. I sighed, but nodded and gestured for him to go on.
“This time, I want you to remember your twelfth birthday. What’s happening?”
Rei scrunched up his face in concentration, and then shook his head. “It’s all black,” he said simply, though quite frankly, that was an answer that didn’t really make much sense.
“What do you mean, it’s all black?”
“There’s nothing there. I’m nowhere. There’s nobody with me. Nothing exists. It’s all dark and warm. I like it,” Rei replied, sounding almost dreamy.
Doctor Devarsi looked puzzled, as if this was something he had never encountered before during his sessions. “Go back a little. Before everything goes black. What happens?”
The scream took both me and Doctor Devarsi by surprise. Rei started thrashing on the couch, his breathing quickening, and even after the first scream he kept making little scared and pained noises. I looked at the doctor, but he seemed just as surprised as me. “Rei, what’s happening? Is anyone hurting you?”
“My dad… Dad, stop it, I didn’t do it! Please, don’t hurt me. Daddy, please! I didn’t… I didn’t…” Rei’s uncontrolled ramble turned incoherent, and it became impossible to understand what he was saying, but he started writhing, almost fighting against Doctor Devarsi, who could barely hold him down.
I couldn’t watch this anymore, and stood up walking over to help hold Rei down. “Stop this, bring him back,” I told the doctor, who was reluctant to comply, but it was obvious to me that we couldn’t keep doing this to Rei.
“Listen to me, Rei. Relax. I’m going to count to five, and then you’ll be back here with me and Kai, okay?”
Rei relaxed slightly with each count, but it wasn’t until the doctor reached five that he finally stopped struggling, sinking back against the couch cushions, opening his eyes and looking up at me. “What happened?” he asked, still slightly out of breath, but otherwise looking bewildered, as if he truly didn’t remember anything that he had just said or done.
Doctor Devarsi explained to us that it was normal that Rei didn’t remember anything. “It’s clear that there is something very traumatizing in your past, something that has to do with your parents, and I think that your brain has blocked it all out, because it’s too much to deal with. There’s just one thing I don’t understand…”
“What’s that?” I asked while I helped Rei sit up and rubbed his back reassuringly, for once allowing him to move close to me. I still couldn’t understand why he found comfort in being close to me, but revealing his memories had made it clear to me that something had happened in his past, something that meant that he could use some comfort every now and then.
The doctor paused and went to look through a couple of books, but then shook his head. “The darkness. The fact that he was somewhere that was completely dark and quiet. I have never heard of something like that happening before, so I have to say that I have no idea what it might mean. If you’d like, we could try more sessions, but… I think it might be for the best to leave these memories buried.”
I nodded; I had come to the same conclusion. Granted, I still wanted to know more about Rei to find out where he belonged, but now we had a name to base our searches on; Raphael Gramont. “I agree. I think this was still helpful, though, so thank you.”
Rei was clearly impatient to get out of there, so I paid and said goodbye quickly before leading Rei back onto the sunny streets, filling him in on the things he had revealed. He didn’t look impressed, and scrunched up his face as he tried to get used to his real name. “I’m supposed to be Raphael? I don’t like that,” he complained.
“Me neither,” I said, smiling a little. “Are you okay with me just keeping on calling you Rei? I think I prefer that.”
He nodded, and took my hand again as we walked home. I rolled my eyes, but didn’t protest. My attitude towards him had definitely changed, there was no doubt about that, and I saw him less as a little, adorable pet and more as an actual person now.
There was yet another yellow rose waiting for us at the apartment when we got back. I sighed, and let Rei pick it up and join it with the others. I had exchanged the simple glass for an actual vase by now, and if whoever was behind this kept up leaving roses everywhere, my apartment would end up being overwhelmed by flowers. Over a week had gone by since we found the first one, and they showed no sign of letting up. It was driving me crazy, but there was nothing I could really do about it.
Another thing that bothered me was the fact that my name was still marked in the registry, and as long as it was, I couldn’t really do much. No one with marked names was allowed outside of Ixero, and I wanted to get to the other towns. Soon. This was one thing Rei couldn’t help me with; the only thing he could do was to keep the apartment tidy for me. Apart from that I let him do whatever he wanted – he was too young to get a job, after all.
I checked the listings in the Library every day, sometimes twice a day, but it took a long time before I finally found something. When I did, it was a fairly small job as well; clerk in a store that sold used books and office supplies. I had an interview, and put on my best behavior, trying to be nice and polite to the old woman who ran the store.
This apparently worked, seeing as I got the job. Quite frankly, I’d much rather be free and not have a steady routine, day after day after day, but for now, I had to go along with the rules. It wasn’t difficult to tell that even if a job wasn’t required, it was so strongly encouraged that I had yet to meet someone who wasn’t working or looking for a job.
The first day at work was, put simply, dead boring. I couldn’t understand why there was a need for a store that sold used books in the first place, but Miss Karen explained to me that rather than a necessity, it was something she had dreamed of doing for a long time. It had taken her years to save up enough money to buy the store, and now that she had it, she would never let it go.
The store was named Bookstore Inn, which was probably the reason I noticed the notice for the job in the first place. Catchy name, made me think of a Bed and Breakfast instead of an actual store. It was a small store, there was no denying that, but I thought that it had far more personality than the couple of big bookstores in Ixero.
Still, there were hardly any customers, and I spent most of my first day walking along the aisles, dusting off books and re-arranging them alphabetically, as well as pricing the new ones and putting them into shelves as well. Miss Karen sold a fair amount of new books as well, in addition to comic books, manga, magazines and offices supplies – she told me that it was the only way she could manage the upkeep of the place. In addition, she had a couple of reading groups, one for children and one for adults, and they both gathered once a week to read and discuss books.
I didn’t care much about the details, I had to admit, but I thought that if I had been a different person, I would have loved working in a place like this for the rest of my life. If only I hadn’t been so restless, so driven to find answers, so tempted to sneak a peak behind the curtain to find out how things worked behind the scene.
On the third day I worked, I had agreed to taking the night shift. Miss Karen chose to keep the store open all night, because in Ixero, people were always awake, always looking for something new. Most of the stores and restaurants stayed open all night long, every day of the week, three hundred and sixty-five days of the year. It was weird, but also kind of nice – if you needed something, you could just go out and get it, easy as that.
I sat in one of the comfortable armchairs by the store window, reading a magazine seeing as there were nobody in the store, nor had it been anyone there for the past two hours – something which made me decide to take the night shift more often – when I noticed something strange outside.
Granted, nothing should be strange in this place, but this was at least unusual. Normally, there would be no stars whatsoever in the night sky. This time, however, there was one large star in the sky, blinking slightly. I watched it for at least ten minutes, entranced by the slow steady blinking, before it disappeared as suddenly as it had showed up.
Just as I was about to focus back on my magazine there was a bright flash of light, coming directly from where the star had been moments earlier. The flash of light was so intense that it left me blinded for a few seconds.
Exactly like when Dakota disappeared.
~tbc~
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