The Saitama sunsets always seemed so spectacular. Maybe it was just because he didn't have the time to stop and watch them all that often, maybe it was just that he had changed oh, so much over the past few months, maybe it was the city itself lending some of its magic to the elements around it. Whatever it was, Kanata didn't really care all that much. The most important thing was that the sunset was there, that he could see it and almost feel it. That he could watch those colors and let them remind him that yes, he was still alive, and that there was no reason to forget that.
However, not all that long ago he had seemed to forget all that - that he was only a teenager with all his life in front of him, that he had opportunities and chances and things to experience. That he actually did have a life and a self, and that it was worth something.
All those things seemed all too easy to forget when you had a brother like Vintersorg.
Kanata sighed as he heard his brother calling him from the kitchen, and even though he shot an answer back just as sharply, he still turned away from the window facing the sunset and went to find out what his older brother wanted. "It's not brain surgery, you moron. You're perfectly capable of making pizza yourself," he said with exasperation as he found out just why his brother had interrupted his thoughts. As always, Vintersorg merely grinned back at him and tossed a few vegetables over. Funny how he never changed, no matter how many times their surroundings and environments changed. Kanata was starting to think that Vintersorg was incapable of changing - he seemed to have been the exact same person for as long as Kanata could remember.
"I know it's not complicated, brat," Vintersorg answered far too sweetly, making Kanata glare at him because he had long since learned that his brother only used that tone of voice when there was something he wanted. And usually, he used it either on Kanata or whoever he wanted to seduce for the evening. His hunch wasn't wrong this time either. "Look, Dominic's coming over, and I don't have time to be cooking. Besides, you're better at it than me. More practice and all that," Vintersorg said with a grin that was all too charming, and Kanata knew that if it hadn't been for the fact that they were brothers and that he knew Vintersorg better than anyone in the world, he would have fallen head over heels for him. Just like most other people seemed to do. By now, however, Kanata knew how to resist his brother's charms, knew how to not be infatuated with him, and he rolled his eyes again in response, tossing the vegetables back over.
"Screw you. It's not my job to cook for you and your little slutboy. Especially not when I won't get to eat any of the meal myself." Kanata knew all too well that he was taking a risk by talking to his brother like that, but fuck it; he was growing up fast and Vintersorg seemed like he couldn't understand that at all. In so many aspects he really was the annoying brat in the family. Unfortunately for Kanata, Vintersorg was also the older, the stronger, the taller, the smarter; the one in charge. Maybe they really did have the same kind of explosive tempter and general impatience with everything and everyone, but as of yet Vintersorg was the one of them who could properly express it. Use his temper and anger to get the things he wanted, while Kanata was left merely watching him. Watching and obeying - just like he had done all his life.
And as Vintersorg's expression hardened, his smile transforming into a scowl impressively quickly, Kanata knew that he should apologize and take it all back to stop the impending outburst from happening, but instead he took a step forwards. It was stupid, he knew as much, but life wasn't always about doing the smart thing in any given situation. "What? Can't you handle the simple truth?" he spat as his brother covered the few steps between them and grabbed the back of Kanata's neck, almost lifting him off the ground with sheer force. The pain made Kanata wince, but he still didn't back down. "I'm not a kid anymore! I'm not your fucking servant; you can't treat me as one! I'm not your slave either, you already have one of those, and I---"
Kanata's tirade was cut efficiently short by a harsh slap to his cheek, the skin tingling with the force of the impact, his head snapping to the side. Even if it stung, Kanata still glared at his brother, who seemed to be looming over him in a quiet rage. And when he spoke, his voice was quiet and controlled as well, even if Kanata had no problems with noticing his anger. "You don't talk to me like that ever again. You don't talk about Dominic like that. I get the whole teenage rebellion thing, but I don't care. This is my place, kid, and you will treat me with respect. And you will do as you're told."
Vintersorg always made things so clear, stating everything so firmly that Kanata found it just as difficult to protest every time. Especially seeing as the commands were made even clearer by the bruising grip on his neck. Kanata didn't answer like he knew he was supposed to, and instead he merely stared up at his brother with quiet defiance - knowing that was likely to piss Vintersorg off more than anything else.
For a few tense moments there was utter silence, apart from the faint noise and chatter from the street beneath the open window. Kanata was used to this; there was no doubt about that. The only difference from when he was younger was that by now he was old enough and strong enough to talk back to his older brother, even if that might not always be the best idea for his own physical well-being. Or his own emotional well-being, for that matter.
"Oh, fuck you," Vintersorg said, and let go of Kanata so quickly that he crashed to the floor, rather painfully. "Make dinner, then get lost. I don't want you around tonight." With that, Vintersorg simply turned his back on Kanata, and walked out of the room. Typical. Kanata figured that it was actually a fairly good outcome, seeing as he didn't end up with any more bruises than he already had, and considering that there hadn't been all that much screaming. Maybe this was a sign that his brother understood that Kanata was getting older, and that some things had to change, eventually.
Sometimes, Kanata thought about leaving. Just packing up his things and moving out, disappearing from Vintersorg's life with even a word of goodbye. He would be lying if he said that he hadn't fantasized about it, again and again, when he was younger. Especially from he was five until he was ten. Those years had been the worst; Kanata still wasn't quite sure how he had gotten through those years. Before that, they had lived in an apartment in Norway, and Vintersorg had worked most of the days and most of the nights, and left Kanata with an endless string of well-meaning girlfriends and boyfriends that at least made sure that Kanata stayed alive and relatively well. Vintersorg hadn't really given Kanata much attention in those years - which was evident considering that he hadn't even bothered to give his brother a proper name. Kanata's birth certificate read "baby boy" as a first name. Something which he found rather funny, now.
Then, everything happened. Even now, Kanata shuddered slightly when he thought about those years. He got himself off the floor and started making the dinner, knowing that it was easier to just do it - at least he had protested instead of simply following orders like a damn servant. Much like he had done when he was younger, really, purely out of fear. When Kanata was five years old, Vintersorg lost first his job, then all his girlfriends and boyfriends, then his apartment, and then he got in trouble with the police and various gangs. After struggling for a few months, he finally packed everything he owned (including Kanata), and started moving around. Kanata remembered living in Denmark, France, England, France again, Italy, even Russia for a while. Then there was America, for several years. Kanata had learned to read there, had learned English there, used the name Michael there, for a while, and then Jake, and then Peter, after he read The Chronicles Of Narnia.
Kanata opted for blocking out the other things about their life in America. Chose not to think about sleeping in the car on cold nights, chose not to think about days where he hadn't gotten anything to eat, chose not to think about the days where Vintersorg had been angry and frustrated and hateful, blaming it all on Kanata and beating him until Kanata begged him to stop. He didn't want to think about those things, because if he dwelled on them, he was sure that he would end up hating his brother forever, and he didn't want that. Just why he didn't want that, he couldn't explain, not even to himself - maybe it was just because they were brothers, because they had lived with each other for so long, because they were each other's only real family.
After America came a few years in Asia, still moving around constantly. Kanata learned just enough Korean to get by and went by Junhee, before they moved to China and he struggled to learn Mandarin and called himself Xie until he got himself a girlfriend who dressed as a boy and called him Princess. He lost his virginity to her, when he was thirteen and seven months, and Vintersorg yelled at him for being out all night. But that time, the bruises and harsh words were all worth it.
He didn't want to move on to Japan, but he didn't have a choice, and in sheer protest he called himself Princess for months. After a while he changed it to Cinderella, because that sounded more like an actual name, and while they were living in Tokyo he wandered the streets and learned how to dress like a girl. Vintersorg would laugh at him, but by now Kanata had discovered that he could be his own person, away from his brother, no matter how strong and inevitable the bonds between them were. Somehow, they had ended up in Saitama, and finally Vintersorg had settled. Almost. It had taken a while before they had found an apartment to settle down in, but by then Vintersorg had a job and half of a band and smiled more than he used to.
Kanata hummed to himself as he finished the pizza and shoved it into the oven, setting the timer before yelling to his brother that he'd better manage to take the fucking thing out himself, at least. There were limits for how long Kanata was willing to stay around and be nice and pleasant, after all. Escaping before Vintersorg got back, Kanata went into his bedroom and locked the door safely behind him before pushing a heavy chair - the only comfortable thing in his room - in front of the door. After the four times Vintersorg had misjudged the apartments and crashed down on Kanata's futon kissing Dominic, Kanata had learned to lock the door.
Again he walked over to the window and looked outside, but the sunset was over now, and there was only darkness illuminated by the neon lights of the city. Their apartment was overlooking the worst part of town, even if they technically weren't living there. Instead they were living among families and men in suits having normal jobs, though they saw just as many strippers and whores. Since they moved here, Kanata learned Japanese properly and expanded his English vocabulary, and decided on being Kanata, at least for a while.
He had a feeling that who he was, who he had been and who he would be in the future, was all determined by Vintersorg. Sometimes, that feeling terrified him, but sometimes it was also sort of comforting. Kanata curled up on the window ledge and listened to his brother and his boyfriend talk and laugh in the living room, and he wasn't sure if he should feel terribly alone or like he'd never be alone at all.
~fin~
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